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Monthly Archives: December 2008

The past few days I’ve been under the weather. Today I’ve been resting on the couch reading and sipping tea.  I need to rest and yet my body is aching for some action.  I guess cabin fever is possible being indoors for a number of days.

I just need to rest my body, my mind and get well so I can be back at 100% for the new incoming year day after tomorrow.

This year has flown by.  It feels like just yesterday I was trying to remember to write 2008 and now I’ll have to put a 9 instead. I’m brainstorming my 2009 Revolutions, so keep checking back beause I will have them posted no later than tomorrow night.

Happy Upcoming 2009!

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Today I’m stuffed up, coughing and feel blah, but in the midst of feeling that way I have this peace and thankfulness for all that I have! I’ve spent the day reading a bunch, watching tv and laying on the couch and spending a little bit of time in the ‘quiet room’.

I’m hoping by morning I will feel better!  Some times I feel like I’ve been pushing myself more and more through each week.  Maybe I just need more sleep.

I’ve been trying to be ‘good’ and not eat meat.  It’s strange to go from loving meat aka steak, prime rib and ribeye.  I slipped up and had some suasuage/or chicken at my dpeartment Christmas potluck.  Prior to that I had chicken a week ago this past Saturday and I haven’t had beef since around December 2nd, so overall I’ve been fairly good about not eating meat.  I thought that this was going to be very hard and that I’d have serious withdrawls when it came to smelling meat cooking (Christmas day/Christmas parties), but it wasn’t that hard to be around it.  I even passed on prime rib at Christmas dinner.  Some might think, “Why not eat a tiny bit on a holiday,” but then I wouldn’t be staying with what I’m trying to do.  I’ve felt lighter, not bloated, slimer, and had a bit of stomach cramping, but other than that I’ve been holding up well.

Well going to go watch tv with my hubby before bed.  I hope I can sleep well…….darn nose! 😉

I went to church again.  Christmas Eve of course.  I’ve cried a bit the past two times I’ve gone, but this last time no tears were shed.  I was even able to sing without getting chocked up.  It was nice to not be so sensitive. Not that anything is wrong with tears in church, but I feel like I’m more comfortable there.  I even made a few new ‘friends’ and people I previously met remembered my name! That sure does wonders for a new attendee.

Christmas was a very low key pleasant day.  Now that Christmas is over I feel like I’m finally getting in the spirit of it and it’s over. Oh, well 2009 will be here soon and another opportunity to be less a Scrudge.  I was happy to have a Holiday that wasn’t overly filled with too much.

Today I went to the movies with a fairly new friend.  The movie was o.k. It was just nice to hang out.

Not sure what I’ll be doing the rest of the day.  I’ll probably be spending lots of time in the “quite room” aka the guest room. It’s nice to have one clutter free room at home where my OCD can stay at bay and I can read without worrying about tidying up everything.  I really need to learn the art of relaxation in the real sense.

Here is a poem I wrote awhile back on the whole subject of being OCD or at least acting like it:

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OCD Whirl        8/17/2008

It’s quite a demon to be plagued by this.
Clutter haunting your mind, trying to get in.
Being able to move about without double checking everything.
Random thoughts invading your mind.
Trying to be peaceful when your mind is going so fast your head is spinning.

It’s a personal demon I try to ignore.
I try to push it back to where it was before.
Out of site and out of mind.
Trying to be good and not be left behind.

I thought meds would fix it, yet the affects were hell and not worth it.
Now I’m back to my old self and the demon is back.
I’d rather tame this demon then be trumped up on meds.
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I may go to church tonight since I like the smallness of the Saturday night service vs the more crowded one of Sunday morning.  I just love how calm the pastor’s voice is.  Very sort of slow, methodical and soothing. Not hyped up or dramatic, but simple.  Sometimes I can just feel myself going, “AHHH” when I walk in the door.

Last night I bought my ticket to go to TX for my best friend’s baptism.  I can’t wait.  Almost only one more month away and then I’ll get to see her.  I’m so very excited about this. I feel like I just want to pop I’m so excited.  I’ve been waiting for this day for FOREVER and now that it’s here it almost feels surreal.

I posted a new page of the books I have read this year so far.  My count is not as thrilling as I’d hope it would be, but I still have a few more reading days left of 2008 to crank out a few more titles.  I think the goal of 120 was overly ambitious.

Off to go take a nap….or at least read. I’m zonked.  Hopefully my throat congestion will go away.  I hate feeling like this…..the cold air actually felt good this morning.

Tonight feels like maybe Thursday and not Friday.  This week chugged along and now that it’s the weekend I want to get so much accomplished (laundry, cleaning, decluttering) and the other half of me just wants to sit around and not do a thing.   I know there are bugs going around and people are getting sick on and off, so staying healthy and getting rest is important when I have the time to slow down.

Tomorrow my friend moves away to live with family and start a new chapter in her life.  Ironically I waited till just before she was going to take off before investing in becoming her friend.  GRRR. But I am happy she gets this fresh start and adventure to experience. I’m going to really miss her.

This weekend I am hoping to possibly meet two new friends.  We’ll see how and if it happens.  I hope so.  It’s strange how in my life I can feel like I want close friends and then the other half of me feels like being antisocial.  I guess what I really desire is one great close girlfriend who I truly click with who lives close enough to get together without it being a pain in the rear to meet up.  The search is on! 😛

I am excited I’ll be going to witness my BFF’s baptism in February.  I can’t wait.  It will be good to see her and her family and get to meet her new friends and see where she lives.  I can’t believe she’s been moved and gone for almost 4 months already.  It feels so much longer.

My dad has more surgery on Monday.  Sometimes I wish I could scream for time to stop, but I know we all have to go through things that toughen us up and make us stronger physically and spiritually.  I feel like witnessing my dad have health problems is an out of body experience.  Like I’m watching it all happen from the otuside of a snow globe and he’s on the inside having to deal with all these minsurgeries and procedures.  And he’s still smiling and having an awesome attitude.  That takes strength of character and strong faith.   He has both.

Church wise I’m not sure what I want to do.  I’m so tenative about returning to church.  I want the community without having to deal with the building and the whole order of usual things.  Sometimes I wish services could be held ouside where nature just screams that there’s a God.  Why be stuck in a stuffy building??

Here’s a poem I wrote:

Sweet Sunday        8/17/2008

Sweet Sunday.
It’s a day for rest, a day for play.
The sky filled with clouds, waiting for rain.
It’s a day for reading, coffee and booze.
The boob tube on with no news.
It’s a picnic in the park. Fried chicken and pasta.
It’s a day for church and a day for contemplation.

I used to look forward to getting up early.
Putting on my finest and going to that building.
Now I’ve stepped back and don’t put on my finery.
I head over to coffee and think over what’s pretty.
I’d rather be in nature where the sun shines bright,
then to be stuck in a building with a folding chair grinding my butt.

I know to not go is considered wrong.
I should be in community and one that is strong.
But I feel stifled sitting there in the pew.
Where I’m supposed to follow the sheep and do what they do.
I’ve gone through the motions before I was born and now that I’m old I’m taking a stand to figure out what I know.

I know I believe and I know people think to believe you must go.
Sign up now before you are cast into hell.
They might say I’ve slidden into this muck.  A wayward sheep heading for the slaughter.

But I still believe.
My faith hasn’t waned.  I’ve just stepped back and am looking from the outside in.

Yesterday I went for my first dermetology appointment. I was a bit intimidated after hearing how moles are removed, but after meeting the doctor she put my mind at ease. She was like a blond version of one of my aunts and had a very calming/easy going presence. It turns out my concerns were for naught.
I’m so pleased with the two sweet and encouraging comments I got from my friend Jo and a lady named Susie. It’s thrilling to get real feedback. I think that is the addiction of blogging.
This week I picked up a copy of Churched by Matthew Paul Turner. I feel like he wrote this book just for me. Growing up a PK I can relate to so much of what he went through. The only difference in experience is Presbyterian vs Baptist. I’ve rarely ventured to the other flavors of my faith. I’m strongly thinking of going to the Foursquare Church again. I did get a thank you card this week from the pastor. It was on church stationary and even if it was printed and not handwritten it still counts. I never have gotten a thank you like that before.
Thanks again Susie for your comment. I look forward to future feed back!

Attended another church this morning.  It was a definite mega church and I felt my guard going up.  People were friendly and said, “Morning,” as I drifted by, but I didn’t feel like I’d arrived home.  I’ve driven by this particular church countless times and I’ve always been curious about it and now that curiosity is over.

They gave a very nice little gift/welcome bag with info about the church, a pen and a Starbucks gift card. That was a new edition to welcome bags. Sort of crazy to get a coffee gift card, but hey it makes sense.

I’m torn.  Last week the Foursquare church felt more homey and comfortable.  I felt like I could let my guard down vs it going up automatically.  But then the Unity Church was very welcoming and I felt like they took the time to try and get to know me, though none of the churches I visited and sent an email equaled getting a reply from them, which is quite frustrating, but everyone is busy these days.  The ironic thing is the Unity and the Foursquare church are practically next door to each other.  I want to go to a church where I’ll be challenged, loved and that people will actually notice and care if I don’t show up.  Some churches you don’t show up after awhile you never hear from them asking if everything is alright.  Nothing.  That turns me off to returning because if no one notices I stopped attending then did they notice me come my first Sunday?

I want the community, but it’s choosing which type of community and to decide what do I actually believe?  What flavor of Christianity do I want to join? I don’t even know if I want to go down the road of membership.  Yes commitment is good, but I don’t know if I want to become another social card member of Christianity.

I think I will do best in a smaller church setting vs being a number.  I want a place not overly far away so that going to events won’t be difficult.

Today I’m hoping to finish up laundry and keep reading the book I just started.  Last night I finished reading Save Me From Myself by Brian “Head” Welch.  That book I’ve wanted to read since I saw it come out last year and it was POWERFUL.  The neat thing is he lives in my area so some day it’d be cool to get to meet and talk with him in person.

Yesterday got to have my mom go with me to see “Twilight.” Watching it for the second time was just as magical as the first time.  I still got goose bumps when Bella first spies Edward enter the school cafeteria.   It’s definitely a keeper. The chemistry was electric between the two main characters.

Off to go have lunch soon.  I’m starving!

Last night went to take dinner over to my dad who had surgery yesterday.  I’m so thankful he was able to eat dinner.  I think the reality and seriousness of my families health is surreal.  You can go along in life with everything normal and then a surgery can be a life changing event and it can signify how one moment you can believe you’re robust and healthy and the next minute realize you are mortal, or rather your body is.

I have that on my mind and then going to church was nice.  I’m torn.  I know I need to plug in, but where?  I don’t know if I want to attend the church that is walking distance.  Their jargon is just what I left two years ago.  I don’t want big words, I want simplicity, honesty and real people.  I did enjoy the Foursquare church, but then I’m still wondering about the Unity church.  I want to make sure I agree with the teachings of where I choose to attend, but then I do want to be challenged in my life and not become complacent like I was before.  The Foursquare church felt familiar in it’s songs and format.  It felt like I was riding a bike and I remembered how to, although I did not sing on Sunday.  I was too, chocked up to. I barely eeked out some of the words.  The people at the Unity church were very welcoming and friendly.  The members at the Foursquare church were somewhat friendly.  The pastor’s wife sat next to me and I think she could sense how I felt. That did make a huge impact on me.  She took the time to make sure I felt welcomed and taken cared of vs leaving me to sit all alone.  One man did end up sitting next to me on my left, but it’s fascinating how you can be new somewhere and watch how people sit near, but not next to.

So I am torn where to attend.  I want some where close to home, a place that has activity options and friendly people. I want to be challenged and held accountable.  I don’t ever want to become stagnant again.

This morning I actaully stepped foot into a church. I’ve never been previously to  a Four Square church, but today I went and it wasn’t overly different from what I’m used to.  The people were fairly nice.  Of course during the music I cried a tiny bit.

They were having a children’s chior from Uganda visiting and it was so breathtakingly touching and inspirational.  I ended up buying two CDs. One for me and one for my parents.

Tonight just watching tv and coloring a fun poster from Michaels.

I have so many mixed emotions.  It wasn’t easy going back, but I know I need to find a spiritual home.

Tonight went to dinner with my  friend Sammy.  It’s weird how you can have a friend who is in your life who lives down the street and you don’t fully realize it till their almost moved away to attend college.  I wish I could move back time, but since I can’t move back time I’m going to enjoy the time  I have with her before she goes off to school and keep in touch via email and or snail mail. I already miss her, but know it’s going to be a wonderful adventure for her.

This weekend I’ve enjoyed relaxing, going to the powerful movie, “The Boy in the Stripped Pajamas,” going to dinner with Sammy and finishing up my wacky book called Winkie, about a teddy bear accused of being a terrorist. I’m not sure what tomorrow will bring.

Thursday night before the coffee shop party my BFF called to tell me she asked Jesus into her heart.  I have so many mixed emotions.  I know I’ve slacked on living my faith.  My mouth turns into potty mouth once in a while and I don’t pray as often as I used to.  I guess you could say I’ve become bitter towards the whole thing.  I’m so excited for my BFF. She’s so excited to go attending church again and her little boy loves going which is amazing for a now three year old to enjoy it, well the kid’s program anywyays.  It seems like her life is coming together. I think she can see how God’s bigger plan is and that even though it was painful for her to move away from family that God is in control and that He has such awesome things instore for her.

I know I need the social interaction and community that comes with church, but to go back and really commit is somewhat scary. I know I shouldn’t let the past hurts dictate what my present or future holds because that is letting the bad guy win vs showing that I’m not going to let someone else steer my spiritual emotions.  I need to decide for myself what is best for me.  I need to decide what I believe and then find a place I can call home.  I do need a real social life. I have a few friends, but work has sucked up my social/personal life.  I need to break that cycle, so I can live again vs being a hermit.

This week I’ve been meaning to blog and the days just keep ticking by.

Tonight I have a coffee shop holiday party to attend and I’m excited.  It will be interesting to see who decides to show for it and it’s a private one, so spaces are limited.

This past week I given the honor of reading a friend’s work in progress and I’m beyond impressed.   She’s given me a nice big umph to keep going strong.  I’m going to be sad when she goes away to college, but at least there is email and snail mail to keep in touch and of course holidays and vacations to see each other in person.

I’m thrilled the weekend is coming up so that I can spend lots of time writing and reading. Due to work being busy I haven’t had the same energy to read as many books as I was hoping to this year.

Well off to the party I go.